Atonement during Yom Kippur: NPR

A man throws bread into a stream in Boulder, Colorado, as part of a Tashlich ceremony that involves symbolically casting off sins.

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Jeremy Papaso/Digital First Media/Boulder Daily Camera via Getty Images

In the fall of 2021, 67-year-old Nancy Piness couldn't bring herself to pick up the phone and call her friend, even though they had known each other for decades.

There was an argument between them at the beginning of the year. Nothing bad happened, but disagreements, disagreements and tensions arose over the years. One day it just became too much and they stopped talking.

“I deliberately avoided her street,” Piness said. “I consciously hoped that I wouldn’t run into her in the supermarket.”

At this time of year, Piness thinks about her friend a lot.

Because Friday night marks the beginning of Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) – the holiest day of the Jewish year. It is celebrated with fasting, prayer and deep introspection.

“Yom Kippur is seen as this very special window where if you actually express regret and ask for absolution, God will absolve everything – literally everything –,” explains Rabbi Chana Leslie Glazer, interim rabbi of a congregation in King of Prussia. Pennsylvania.

“However, there is a small limitation. If you don't make amends with the other people you hurt, you can't forgive it,” Glazer said.

This idea is central to the Jewish High Holidays. And in the weeks leading up to Yom Kippur, many Jews try to repair broken relationships.

“There are a lot of people who go around,” Glazer said, “and write a list of all the people they need to ask forgiveness from and who they want to apologize to.”

But this process requires preparation.

One way to do this is with a service called Selichotwhich happens in the week before the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah). The word Selichot means reprieve, and the service is intended to help reflect on the ways in which they have fallen short over the past year.

For the sins we have committed

On a sultry Saturday evening in northwest Washington, DC, a small group of community members gather Temple Micah. Nancy Piness was one of them.

They stood in a circle, lit a woven candle, sipped a ceremonial cup of wine, smelled sweet spices and recited the blessings that mark the end of Shabbat. Then they entered the sanctuary and began Selichot service.

One of the prayers they recited is this Al Chet – a common confession of sin that is canceled many times over the course of the High Holidays. It fits with another prayer that is called Ashamnuin which many parishioners clench their right hand into a fist and feel their hearts pound as they list each sin.

This is the fourth Christmas season that Piness has not had regular contact with her friend, who is not Jewish. This year she finally feels ready for a conversation. And she's thought a lot about what she's going to say.

“I realize it's emotional now and I feel the lump in my throat and I could burst into tears, which she doesn't always understand,” Piness said. When she finally picks up the phone to call or text, her message will be something like, “Too much time has passed. I miss you. And I hope we can find some time to talk soon.”

Forgiveness is a process

The Jewish philosopher Maimonides outlined four steps which constitute the process of seeking atonement or forgiveness. Glazer explains that the first step is to recognize the wrongdoing and stop. Second, to confess verbally. Third, to truly regret the action. And the fourth is to make sure it doesn't happen again.

For years, Piness was stuck between these steps.

“I could be in church for hours thinking about things. But I am a feeler and I am a doer. And it’s time to act,” Piness said.

So this year she finally came forward.

“I was worried,” Piness said. “I was really worried. And I didn't want to pick up the phone and call because she's not a phone person. And so I texted.”

She asked how her friend was doing and if they could talk in person.

“She wrote back minutes later. And she said, 'Hi Nancy – thanks for contacting us. 'I'm ready to get together, but right now I'm the one with too much going on.'”

Piness plans to sit down with her friend as soon as they both can. But she knows there is still work to be done and that it won't happen before Yom Kippur begins at sundown on Friday.

Glazer advises many people who have difficulty making amends and who may feel pressure to do so in a timely manner around Yom Kippur.

“We talk about the gates closing at the end of Yom Kippur and the window ending. And that's more to inspire people to really think deeply, as deeply as possible, about what they've done and really go as far as they can with it,” Glazer said.

“But it’s also important to understand that if you don’t get there all the way by the end of Yom Kippur, it’s perfectly fine to go in later and do the rest of the work.”

Although things aren't fully resolved, Piness is relieved that she's at least taken these first steps.